Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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