if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
