think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Can Purell be used as lube?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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