I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
