You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
