he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
