3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
