THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
