Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
Randomize
