What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
