I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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