does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
