Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
