ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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