Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
