...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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