I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
