also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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