"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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