Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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