just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
