My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
