I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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