i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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