I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
