If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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