shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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