my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize