evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
a search helicopter?!
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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