I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
