if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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