sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
