"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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