The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
