I don't usually arrange sex via text message
my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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