I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
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