Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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