They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
