God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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