and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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