Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize