Is it normal to miss your booty call?
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
