dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
