what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
