Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You ate ashes out of my bong
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Randomize