I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
