My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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