My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Mom said you looked used
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
