Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
