the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
