Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
