Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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