First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
