I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
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