He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
