Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i think i just lost a toe
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
